Am I Ready for Coaching?

Coaching session
Am I ready for coaching?

The greater your responsibility, the greater the pressure on you to focus on and address external matters. You focus on meeting work and family obligations and duties, attempt to satisfy and maintain the demands of many relationships, and then you address what matters to you with whatever time remains. Do you wish you had time and space to delve into what really matters to you? Do you have facets of your business and personal life and performance that would benefit from genuine attention? Could you benefit from a safe, confidential space with a trusted confidant? If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you can definitely benefit from coaching.

Coaching is a fabulous way to take charge of your life, improve personal performance, own a new work role, strengthen relationships, deal with conflicts, manage a transition, develop personal capabilities, pursue stretch goals, and manifest dreams.

Getting the most out of coaching requires preparation. Having the right mindset and approach enables you to gain the most from coaching. You are READY or best prepared for coaching IF you are willing to:

  • take real action to create your own results;
  • eradicate old, redundant and limiting habits, thought patterns and beliefs;
  • be challenged in thought, feeling and behaviour;
  • take responsibility for your own results;
  • drop excuses for poor performance;
  • be open to self-directed learning of new skills and ideas.

OR

  • at least wish to occupy this growth space and develop these capabilities.

As your coach, I create a confidential space within which you experience unrestricted self-governance. You set the agenda. You work on what matters to you. It may be quite an unfamiliar experience to be in an environment where you focus solely on what matters to you without anyone else taking any degree of responsibility for what you do or create for yourself.

Coaching will enable you to enter new, previously unexplored, territory. I support and enable you by walking alongside you as your guide. I use questions to assist your exploration, expand your thinking, and confront new possibilities. I provide space for you to consider and reflect, generate insights, and develop approaches and ideas that work for you. Being with “not knowing” is integral to the coaching process. It precedes insight, the generation of one’s own solution that meets your unique approach and learning style, and which you own because they are your own ‘Eureka’ moments. A major outcome of coaching is your strengthened self-awareness and your capacity to intervene on yourself when you recognise you are undermining your own performance. Coaching is offered to support you generate ideas and pursue solutions. Are you ready for the benefits that coaching can offer you?

Being “ready for coaching” also considers how to prepare for a session, the first in particular. One of the tools that can assist you be ready for coaching is the Pre-Coaching Questionnaire. It is a simple process to assist you clarify and focus on what matters to you. While it provides me, your coach, with useful information, it is primarily offered to support your preparation for coaching. You benefit from completing it more than I do.

Coaching may be used to establish and pursue goals over an engagement (an agreed series of coaching sessions) or to address burning issues a session at a time. It can also be a combination of these and other possibilities. When you turn up for a coaching session, it is great if you already know what you want to work on, and are prepared to work. If you are not clear on what to work on, at least be prepared to work, to think, to be challenged, so that I may assist you gain the clarity that is eluding you. We will partner together in creating the purpose of the session, and ensuring you walk away satisfied with the time we spend together.

If coaching is right for you, or you wish to explore how it may help you, fill in the Pre-Coaching Questionnaire (click here for the questionnaire), and book a free initial coaching session with me, Stephen (click here to book a coaching session).

In summary, you are ready for coaching when you:

  1. recognise that you will benefit, get real value, from coaching;
  2. have the mindset and attitudes, or the desire to have such, that would make coaching work for you; and
  3. are prepared to get as much from a session as you can, knowing what you wish to work on, or at least being prepared to work with your coach to develop that clarity.

Offer: Free Coaching Session With Stephen

If you have never had a coaching session with me, you are invited to experience a free coaching session. To take up this offer, complete and submit the Pre-Coaching Questionnaire (click here for the questionnaire) and then book the free (up to 90 minutes) session (click here to book the session).

Why ‘Appreciate the Fog’?

About my motivation to write my book
Why did I write ‘Appreciate the Fog’?

When I was introduced to my inner child as part of a counselling process, I judged him as pathetic, weak, vulnerable, and something to get rid of. I then spent several years fighting and punishing that part of me which created a significant life crisis for me. That seems to be a pretty obvious result now, but at the time I experienced a life filled with fear, anguish, and darkness, and I did not see a link to my treatment of myself, most of which I was unconscious of. As the pain and panic grew, life became increasingly intolerable, and I grew desperate. A friend attended a personal growth programme and I saw the real benefit it was for her so I chose to go for myself. On that course I became deeply aware that I not only lacked love and acceptance of myself, I hated myself.

That was the beginning of an intense process of getting acquainted with myself, learning to manage my anxiety, trust others, and develop love for myself. I became hungry to fix myself, and over time learned that was a fallacy. Beneath all the layers of hurt, fear and angst was a beautiful being that radiated love, beauty and power, and did not need fixing. He was buried by all the protections I had erected to keep him safe and shielded from the dangerous, scary world.
I started to peel away the layers of protection (behaviours, beliefs, perceptions, attitudes) that locked that part of me inside and pushed the rest of the world away. I earnestly worked on myself, tried to sort out all the stuff in my way of being, and I one day realised I was so earnest that I was creating a lot of the still current crap in my life. I was clearing something up, and instantly looking for the next thing to work with. The actual process of working through my crap and sorting myself out was creating more crap. I was not allowing time or space for my life to settle. The image of using a stick to stir up the bottom of a pond came to mind, and I realised that I never stop stirring, and was desperate to work on the next issue. I realised I could stop stirring, remove the stick, and allow the pond to settle. When a bubble dislodged from the bottom of the pond, as they do, and erupted on the surface, I could then work on whatever that bubble contained. Life slowed. Plenty of work still presented itself, but I experienced ease and peace.

My life has certainly been filled with experiences to create the anxious man I was (and sometimes still am). Some of the key experiences/contributors include:

  • My father leaving the family as I was turning eight. I effectively ruled him out of my life, and after a few years I did not know if he were alive or dead, and I did not care.
  • My mother remarried when I was 11, and at 17 she and I evicted him from our home for the safety of the family.
  • I grew up in a fundamental religion that instilled many beliefs around how I should live, including many beliefs and fears associated with disobedience
  • These and other experiences contributed to my pervasive confusion over my personal identity, relationships, sexuality, and a host of other attitudes and beliefs about life.

As I peeled away the layers and got closer to my true essence inside, I became deeply acquainted with my inner child, learned to love him, and developed a relationship with him. Now we effectively walk side-by-side, and if needed I protect him as necessary from the world, but he no longer needs to be protected from me. I love him. I love myself. From that space I find it much easier to shine, be real, and be myself. Life still has fog and patches of darkness, but I navigate those easier because I have more certainty about who I am, and have stopped being my own persecutor. When I find I am struggling the solution is inevitably to reconnect with myself in a loving and accepting manner. I came to realise that appreciating the fog is much easier and more rewarding than struggling to force clarity and certainty from a life that is meant to contain unknowns.

The book ‘Appreciate the Fog’ (click here for more information) emerged from my own experiences that took me into many a fog, and the learning process, both formal and informal, that has taught me how to better work with my fear-based responses. The outcome is the capability to operate consciously, with power from a basis of love. The aim of the book is to offer what I have learned in the hopes that others may benefit. I have certainly benefited from writing it and getting clearer about my own processes that get in my way.

Co-Counselling: A Doorway to Self-Directed Healing and Transformation

I have been practising Co-counselling for over six years, and as a result I am equipped to process emotions, identify and resolve patterns of belief and behaviour that get in my way, and am able to create my own positive future. These and other outcomes are directly accessible by learning and practising Co-counselling.

I became aware of Co-counselling as a result of the Essentially Men programme, the skills learned being a core to the programme. As I learned Co-counselling my capacity to work with myself and support others increased; I became more emotionally competent. Now, as a facilitator of Essentially Men programmes it is a vital part of my tool-set.

When I first attended training I realised I was harbouring significant anger and was distancing myself from women because of a then recent betrayal by a woman who had been a dear friend for many years. Consequently I would not allow women close to me, and I was failing to form and maintain intimate relationships. I carried so much distress that I didn’t know how to act differently. As a direct result of my Co-counselling training I was able to identify and dislodge patterns based in fear, grief and anger, and opened up to new possibilities. I was able to re-engage with women in an open, wholesome way, and that led to healthy relationships.

The ability to identify my core needs, the distress associated with them not being met, and discharging the built up energy, has enabled me to autonomously direct my own healing process. I have become my own healing detective, able to find a symptom that indicates a blockage in my own flow of life, and track back to the source and resolve it.

Far more than focusing on and healing past hurts, Co-counselling supports and encourages actively creating positive futures. Validations are core to the practice, tapping into the positive truths we hold about ourselves, and expressing them, perhaps reversing what may be a lifetime of self-criticism. Action planning is used to map out next steps. Celebration magnifies the positive experience of success and acknowledgement. These are founded on authentic connection with self, and not on the fabricated distress of a lifetime of pain. Learning the skills and practices of Co-counselling is liberating and enlarging, and enables you to write a new script for your life. I have for mine.

More than at any time in my life, I am now living the life I always wanted. I am married to the woman of my dreams. I have written the book I had known was in me. I am increasingly working in the way I have always dreamed of. I am manifesting my purpose and vision more fully than ever before, and I know that more is to come as I continue to open to myself and allow my essence to emerge with greater freedom and passion.

I have learned that how I feel is not hard-coded. I can change my experience, my attitudes, beliefs, patterns of behaviour, and even how I feel. I am captain of my ship, navigator of my life, and that I have proven I can withstand storms with a certainty that comes from knowing and loving myself. And Co-counselling has assisted me to achieve this.

If you are struggling with self-limiting beliefs, burdened by pain that seems unrelenting and overwhelming, are deafened by your own internal voice of criticism, or want to shape a better future, I encourage you to add Co-counselling to your toolset. It is personal and portable, can go with you wherever you choose to travel. It will assist you to feel and experience life more fully, so that whatever you believe and want to create can become a reality. It will bring you into community with others who are interested in creating a better planet by creating better selves, themselves, and then living their purpose more fully.

Speeding Ticket

Confusing speed signs
Confusing speed signs

I cannot claim confusion as this image could certainly create. I was on the Northwestern Motorway on a beautiful, clear Saturday morning doing 100km, and I was photographed by a speed camera and a ticket was issued, a large fine for 30km per hour excess speed due to the temporary speed restriction signs. I did it! And then the mind goes to work and creates fog…

“I was in a line of traffic and everyone was doing the same speed… revenue gathering, not enforcement.”

“There was no one working… it was not a matter of safety… more strength to the revenue gathering argument”

“What about the traffic show on TV a few weeks ago where the motorcyclist got stopped by a traffic officer doing 100km in a 30km temporary signed area, and was let off… unfair! Impartial speed cameras just click away and there is no mercy, justice only. Grrr!”

I then imagine all the individuals in the other cars that sunny Sunday morning, all now having received their infringement notices, and all on their own in their grief, anger, frustration, or whatever else they may be experiencing. What fog are they experiencing? It is an individual experience even for a commonly share situation.

I notice my resentment, and know I am struggling with all sorts of stories in my head about fairness and justice. I feel powerless against the impartial machines that snap photos irrespective of what is going on around them, and it takes me back to a period of my youth with an authoritarian stepfather where powerlessness was a frequent experience. I feel angry because I have to pay money, and while I may slow down in the future out of fear of the machines, my 100km per hour was exactly on the speed limit for the motorway I was on except for… that temporary sign. I feel annoyed about the supposed teaching moment, one that has much less potency being confronted with a piece of paper a couple of weeks after the fact than having the ‘taking to’ by a police man at the time.

Of course I could write and argue the point with the New Zealand Police. Would that work? Or perhaps marshal all the other invisible, individually grieving drivers, and create a collective that makes this a bigger social issue.

All of this is fog, clutter that gets in the way of clarity, with feelings that are often rooted in past experience, regurgitated for this one. Much of this is irresponsibility in action, looking for the excuse to put blame for the result on someone else, and the sooner I claim and own responsibility, the quicker and easier my life will become. I still have to pay, and speed cameras will still be snapping tomorrow. At the end of the day (or of this episode) I have to own I was speeding, was snapped doing so, and either choose to follow an appeals process or pay up and let it go. The quicker I get to that place the quicker my life can literally move on to more important matters.

What raises clouds of fog for you? What do you do to process and clear it?

Birthday Reflections

Unrelenting Magnificence - Each day is a new birth
Unrelenting Magnificence – Each day is a new birth

Yesterday (January 29th) was a fantastic day. The weather was hot with a clear blue sky. I took a day off from an otherwise busy work month so prosperity, utility and leisure felt beautifully balanced. I spent the day with my darling Juanita, and had the pleasure of lots of birthday wishes flowing in. I had breakfast at a beach café, enjoyed a massage, and was taken out to dinner. All in all, I had a fantastic day.

The main reflection of my day was how blessed I am in terms of the relationships I have. I have a fantastic wife who is my friend, confidant, fan, and fills so many other fabulous roles. I have friends and family who I enjoy in my life, who I can and do turn to in times of challenge, and from whom I receive unique blessings and gifts because of their presence. The quality of my relationships can also be measured by the progress I have made with some that have been difficult, or how some unexpected difficulties within some of these relationships have been addressed and worked with.

As I look back over the past year it has been one of the toughest, most challenging I have ever experienced, with significant hurdles on a number of fronts that covered various aspects of my identity – father, partner, active and healthy man, and productive contributor to name a few – and for much of the time I had no idea how it could work out positively. I did hold a belief that it would. The key really has been founded in the quality of the relationships I have and trusting that whatever I was facing I would learn, grow and benefit from, and that I would ultimately thrive.

I am also very aware of the Buddhist concept of impermanence summarised as “and this too will change.” Nothing is permanent. Everything is fleeting. Whether suffering or joy, pain or pleasure, it will change. There are no guarantees about when, how or in which direction change will occur, only that everything will change. At the end of this very wonderful day I get to celebrate that regardless of what yesterday has been, and without knowing what tomorrow brings, I am alive in this moment, and I feel fantastic. How many fantastic moments can I string together through the web of experience that makes up my life? How can frame those moments I don’t enjoy into something I do appreciate and make meaningful, and move them closer to being experienced as fantastic? Can I approach every day in serenity and with appreciation for the fact I have life in me? That is indeed a challenge worth living for.

Hereditary Traits

You’ve probably had those moments where you realise you are indeed like your parents in some of their habits and behaviours. That may even be true for those that you promised yourself you’d not repeat when you grew up. Oh, the agony of realising that despite your best efforts, indeed perhaps because of them, you are like your parents in ways you’d rather was not the case.

Checking out DNA and hereditary characteristics
Checking out DNA and hereditary characteristics

That is not to say parents are bad. I have been a child of parents. I know there are definitely things they did that I did not wish to reproduce in my life. I am also a parent, and I get that at times my kids say, to themselves if not always out loud, “Dad, you’re weird. I will not be like that when I am older.” Good luck!

My dad left the family when I was turning 8. Now, after 40 years without contact we are developing a relationship, getting to know each other. Even with such a short period of influence on my life it is really surprising and interesting to realise that in so many ways I really am like him. Like magic… got you! I have found creative ways to exhibit some of his behaviours in my life. For example, I swore I’d never be into cars, gleaning more performance for racing, as I remembered him doing. Not me! Instead I spend my energy on my computer creating a better system for myself. Same behaviour, different application!

The flip-side to this is that I am also learning a lot that is great about him, and also about myself. I know more of his background that shaped him, and as a consequence understand some of the areas I have had to work on for myself. For example, I had often been in survival mode, expecting the world to deal with me harshly, and generally expecting the worst. Not all of that can be placed on my dad, but I now know he lived through the Second World War in London, was very much in survival mode, and on any given day there could be news that someone who mattered was dead. I have not been through a war yet I can see the influence of his war experiences in how I have lived my life.

What have you inherited from your parents? It can be an illuminating experience to review your behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, (including prejudices) and check which parent contributed them to you. Have fun!

I Feel Grateful For…

Gratitude is a gift to yourself in that it can help expand your sense of who you are and your sense of well being. By connecting with blessings in your life, acknowledging them, and allowing the experience of feeling blessed to wash over you, you also get a increased sense of being okay, worthy, and a strengthened confidence that whatever hurdles you are facing, you can overcome. Ah, the cynics among you might argue, believing you can overcome is potentially deluded, that there is no guarantee. Of course that is the case, but better to face a challenge with a sense of well-being and worthiness than with a belief that you are undeserving and merit bad things happening. Get into gratitude and practice feeling grateful for everything you can identify, and enjoy the benefit of an expanded sense of self. It won’t hurt, and it can make a positive difference to your whole outlook on life.